How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie is a self-help book published in 1936.

Some books stand the test of time because their insights remain universally true. How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is one of those rare classics that still resonates nearly a century after its first publication. 

This book teaches timeless principles of communication, empathy, and persuasion. Carnegie gives readers a toolkit for building better relationships both personally and professionally. Through simple stories and clear examples, he shows how kindness, genuine interest, and listening can turn anyone into a more effective communicator.

Fundamental Techniques

• Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
  • Criticism is futile
  • Hurts pride and sense of importance
  • Puts people on the defensive
  • Creates resentment instead of change
• Give honest appreciation
  • Avoid insincere flattery
  • People want to feel important
  • Appreciation creates enthusiasm and cooperation
• Arouse in others an eager want
  • Don’t preach or lecture
  • Show people what they gain
  • Align requests with their desires and goals

Make People Like You

• Become genuinely interested in other people
  • Do thoughtful, selfless things
  • Genuine interest builds real friendships
• Smile
  • Actions speak louder than words
  • Happiness comes from within and shows on your face
• Remember that a person’s name is the sweetest sound
  • Make it personal
  • Remember key details (name, birthday, etc)
• Be a good listener
  • Encourage others to talk about themselves
  • Listen actively
  • Ask questions and engage
• Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
  • Discover what they care about
  • Discuss what matters most to them

Win People to Your Way of Thinking

• Avoid arguments
  • Rarely change minds; harden opinions
  • Winning costs goodwill
  • Welcome disagreement, stay calm
• Respect other opinions
  • Never say “you’re wrong”
  • Attacks pride and intelligence
  • Disagree respectfully
• Admit when you’re wrong
  • Do it quickly and clearly
  • Builds trust, softens criticism
• Begin in a friendly way
  • Gentleness > force
  • Lowers defenses
• Get “yes, yes” responses early
  • Find common ground first
  • A “no” is hard to reverse
• Let the other person talk more
  • People enjoy sharing their ideas
  • Listen patiently
• Let them feel the idea is theirs
  • People support what they believe they discover
  • Don’t force your opinion
• See things from their point of view
  • Show empathy
  • “I don’t blame you for feeling that way”
• Be sympathetic to ideas and desires
  • Acknowledge feelings, even if you disagree
• Appeal to nobler motives
  • People want to be seen as good and just
• Dramatize your ideas
  • Use stories, analogies, vivid examples

Change People Without Offense

• Begin with honest praise
  • Start positive to soften criticism
  • Builds goodwill and openness
• Call attention to mistakes indirectly
  • Be subtle and tactful
  • Preserve dignity
• Admit your own mistakes first
  • Shows humility
  • Builds trust and openness
• Ask questions instead of giving orders
  • Makes ideas feel collaborative
  • Increases buy-in
• Let the other person save face
  • Never embarrass them
  • Protect their dignity
• Praise all improvement (even small)
  • Be generous with encouragement
  • Motivates continued progress
• Give them a good reputation to live up to
  • Set positive expectations
  • People rise to a strong identity
• Make faults seem easy to fix
  • Frame mistakes as temporary and solvable
  • Builds confidence
• Make them happy to do what you suggest
  • Present tasks as opportunities
  • Make them feel valued

Summary of Principles

Fundamental Techniques

1. Don’t Criticize or Complain
2. Give Honest Appreciation
3. Arouse an Eager Want

Ways to Make People Like You

1. Be Genuinely Interested
2. Smile
3. Remember Names
4. Be a Good Listener
5. Talk About Their Interests
6. Make Them Feel Important

Win People to Your Thinking

1. Avoid Arguments
2. Respect Opinions
3. Admit When You’re Wrong
4. Start Friendly
5. Get Them Saying Yes
6. Let Them Talk More
7. Let Them Own the Idea
8. See Their Point of View
9. Show Sympathy
10. Appeal to Noble Motives
11. Dramatize Ideas
12. Throw a Challenge

Be a Leader

1. Start with Praise
2. Point Out Mistakes Indirectly
3. Talk About Your Mistakes First
4. Ask, Don’t Order
5. Let Them Save Face
6. Praise Every Improvement
7. Give Them a Reputation to Uphold
8. Use Encouragement
9. Make Them Happy to Do It