Learning From Literature

High Conflict by Amanda Ripley

High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped And How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley is a self-help book published in 2021.

Conflict, like fire, is vital – we need some heat to illuminate what we’ve gotten wrong, understand each other, improve our current processes, and ultimately progress as humanity. However, when a disagreement shifts into high conflict, it can burn down the whole house.

High conflict is when a dispute morphs into an us-versus-them mindset. Scientifically, our brain behaves differently in these environments. Without a tolerance for differences, people cannot work together in large numbers to solve complex problems, making progress impossible. 

Whether ideological disputes, political feuds, or gang vendettas, High Conflict defines how high conflict starts and how to escape it, using real-world examples such as a former Chicago gang leader, Colombia’s struggle with guerilla fighters, and more.

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Enjoy!

Table of Contents

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Part I – Into Conflict 

The Understory Of Conflict 
  • Conflict isn’t the problem — stagnation is
    • Healthy conflict: leads somewhere
    • High conflict: becomes the destination, no movement
  • Understanding the understory (what’s really going on) can break gridlock
    • Listening is key – when people feel heard, they become less defensive
    • Try “looping”
      • Summarize what someone said (“So it sounds like… is that right?”)
The Power Of The Binary 
  • We crave group belonging — and often bond by opposing the “other”
    • Binary thinking (us vs. them) oversimplifies complex realities
    • Rigid labels flatten nuance and fuel conflict
    • Keep group categories flexible and avoid generalizations
    • Much miscommunication is internal — we often don’t know what our true intentions are
The Fire Starters
  • Certain fire accelerants speed & spread conflict, making it harder to resolve:
    • Group identity: Our pain is shared within the group, amplifying stakes
    • Conflict entrepreneurs: Leaders who stoke division to gain influence (e.g., Trump)
    • Humiliation: A powerful social pain that threatens identity and fuels resentment
  • These forces hijack dialogue and make enemies out of neighbors

Part II – Out Of Conflict

Buying Time 

Leaving high conflict starts when the pain outweighs the payoff — the Saturation Point

  • Time and space create the distance needed to form a new identity
  • Identity shifts don’t happen instantly — they can take years
  • To reduce division, foster human connection:
    • Equal status
    • Shared goals
    • Voluntary participation
    • Respected support
  • Relationships change minds more than facts or rules
  • Many conflicts are about belonging, not logic
Making Space 

Compromising or complying alone isn’t enough — the goal is healthy conflict, not fake peace

  • Disrupt feedback loops that escalate tension
  • Redefine group identities: people are more than their race, politics, or side
  • Speak in the moral language of the other side — meet them where they are
  • Keep narratives complex, not black-and-white — nuance opens minds
Reverse Engineering 

Millions would leave high conflict — if they knew how

  • People need a clear, safe, legitimate off-ramp
    • Colombia’s peace ads during soccer games were more effective than official negotiations
    • Pardons worked better than force to end piracy
  • Let people keep parts of their identity — don’t ask them to betray who they are
  • Reintegration matters: If ex-combatants aren’t welcomed, they return to conflict.
  • Community acceptance is as vital as policy
Complicating The Narrative

Curiosity helps prevent high conflict

  • When we oversimplify, we dehumanize
  • Add complexity early — don’t collapse into us vs. them
  • Segregation (social, political, geographic) fuels prejudice
  • Exposure and connection reduce bias and make space for healthy disagreement.

Appendix I — how to recognize high conflict in the world 

Language Red Flags

  • Exaggerated or violent language: Words feel outsized compared to the actual issue
  • Myths, rumors, or conspiracy theories: High conflict erupts in places of low trust → hard to agree on the facts → easy for conflict entrepreneurs to inflame the situation further
  • Everything feels magnified: Emotions and stakes seem extreme

Behavioral Signs

  • False binaries dominate: Most people withdraw, leaving only two loud extremes
  • Conflict feels self-sustaining: It takes on a life of its own — the fight becomes the focus, not the issue
  • Nuance disappears: Complexity collapses; middle-ground voices vanish

Appendix II — how to recognize high conflict in yourself 

  • If you answered “yes” to 5+ questions, you may be in high conflict
    • Do you lose sleep thinking about this conflict?
    • Do you feel good when something bad happens to the other person / side, even if it doesn’t directly benefit you?
    • If the other side were to do something you actually agreed with, would it feel very uncomfortable to acknowledge this out loud?
    • Does it feel like the other side is brainwashed beyond the reach of moral reasoning?
    • Do you ever feel stuck? Like your brain keeps spinning, ruminating over the same grievances without ever uncovering new insights?
    • When you talk about the conflict with people who agree with you, do you say the same things over and over?
    • Has someone who knows you very well told you they don’t recognize you anymore?
    • Do you ever find yourself defending your own side by pointing out that the other side does the same thing or worse?
    • Do you see different people on the other side as essentially interchangeable?
    • Do you use words like “always,” “good,” “bad,” “us” and “them,” or “war” when you talk about the conflict?
    • Do you find it hard to feel genuine curiosity about the other side’s thoughts, intentions, or actions?

Appendix III — how to prevent high conflict

Investigate The Understory

  • Look beneath the surface — often, vulnerability is the real issue

Reduce The Binary

  • Avoid unnecessary us vs. them divisions
  • If groups are needed, create more than two — keep things complex

Marginalize The Fire Starters

  • Watch for conflict entrepreneurs who bond others by targeting a shared “enemy”
  • Distance yourself from those who use war-like language or stir up division

Buy Time & Make Space

  • True persuasion starts with listening, not talking
  • “Go to the Balcony” — step back and see the bigger picture.
  • Build buffers so that conflict doesn’t escalate immediately

Complicate The Narrative

  • Stay curious about those you disagree with.
  • Ask questions, seek understanding.
  • Healthy conflict thrives when there’s humility, curiosity, and emotional security.

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