High Conflict by Amanda Ripley

High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped And How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley is a self-help book published in 2021.

Conflict, like fire, is vital – we need some heat to illuminate what we’ve gotten wrong, understand each other, improve our current processes, and ultimately progress as humanity. However, when a disagreement shifts into high conflict, it can burn down the whole house.

High conflict is when a dispute morphs into an us-versus-them mindset. Scientifically, our brain behaves differently in these environments. Without a tolerance for differences, people cannot work together in large numbers to solve complex problems, making progress impossible. 

Whether ideological disputes, political feuds, or gang vendettas, High Conflict defines how high conflict starts and how to escape it, using real-world examples such as a former Chicago gang leader, Colombia’s struggle with guerilla fighters, and more.

Part I – Into Conflict 

• The Understory
  • Conflict isn’t the problem — stagnation is
  • Healthy conflict moves toward something
  • High conflict becomes the destination
  • Understanding what’s underneath can break gridlock
  • Listening reduces defensiveness
  • Use looping → “so it sounds like… is that right?”
• The Power of the Binary
  • Humans crave belonging and bond by opposing an “other”
  • Us vs. them oversimplifies complex reality
  • Rigid labels erase nuance and fuel conflict
  • Keep categories flexible, avoid generalizations
  • Much miscommunication is internal
  • We often don’t fully understand our own intentions
• The Fire Starters (conflict accelerants)
  • Group identity → shared pain amplifies stakes
  • Conflict entrepreneurs → leaders who stoke division for influence
  • Humiliation → threatens identity, breeds resentment
  • These forces hijack dialogue and turn neighbors into enemies

Part II – Out Of Conflict

• Buying Time
  • Leaving high conflict begins when pain > payoff
  • Time and space allow identity shifts, which can take years
  • Reduce division with connection: equal status, shared goals, voluntary participation, respected support
  • Relationships change minds more than facts or rules
• Making Space
  • Compromising/compliance alone ≠ healthy conflict
  • Disrupt escalation feedback loops
  • Redefine group identities beyond race, politics, or side
  • Speak in the moral language of the other side
  • Keep narratives complex — nuance opens minds
• Reverse Engineering
  • People need a clear, safe, legitimate off-ramp from high conflict
  • Let people retain parts of their identity
  • Reintegration matters — community acceptance as vital as policy
  • Colombia’s peace ads at soccer games > official negotiations
  • Pardons more effective than force for ending piracy
• Complicating the Narrative
  • Curiosity prevents high conflict
  • Oversimplification → dehumanization
  • Add complexity early — avoid us vs. them
  • Segregation fuels prejudice
  • Historical: British officers in India
  • Modern: Americans increasingly living in political tribes
  • Exposure and connection reduce bias and allow healthy disagreement

Recognize High Conflict (in the world)

• Language Red Flags
  • Exaggerated Language: words feel outsized compared to the actual issue
  • Myths, Rumors, or Conspiracies: high conflict erupts in places of low trust → hard to agree on the facts → easy for conflict entrepreneurs to inflame the situation further
  • Everything Feels Magnified: emotions and stakes seem extreme
• Behavioral Signs
  • False Binaries Dominate: most people withdraw, leaving only two loud extremes
  • Conflict Feels Self-Sustaining: it takes on a life of its own – the fight becomes the focus, not the issue
  • Nuance Disappears: complexity collapses; middle-ground voices vanish

Recognize High Conflict (in yourself)

• High-conflict self-check (5+ “yes” = likely high conflict)
  • Lose sleep thinking about the conflict
  • Feel good when something bad happens to the other side (even if it doesn’t benefit you)
  • Feel uncomfortable admitting out loud when the other side does something you agree with
  • Believe the other side is brainwashed beyond moral reasoning
  • Feel stuck, ruminating on the same grievances without new insight
  • Repeat the same talking points when with people who agree with you
  • Someone close says they don’t recognize you anymore
  • Defend your side by saying the other side does the same or worse
  • See people on the other side as just a cog of one group
  • Use absolutist or war-like language (“always,” “good/bad,” “us/them,”)
  • Struggle to feel genuine curiosity about the other side’s thoughts, intentions, or actions

Prevent High Conflict

• Investigate the understory
  • Look beneath the surface — vulnerability is often the real issue
• Reduce the binary
  • Avoid unnecessary “us vs. them” thinking
  • If groups are needed, create more than two to keep complexity
• Marginalize the fire starters
  • Notice conflict entrepreneurs who unite people by targeting an “enemy”
  • Distance yourself from war-like language and division
• Buy time & make space
  • True persuasion starts with listening
  • “Go to the balcony” — step back for perspective
  • Build buffers to prevent immediate escalation
• Complicate the narrative
  • Stay curious about those you disagree with
  • Ask questions and seek understanding
  • Healthy conflict requires humility, curiosity, and emotional security